I'm Sorry
by Aduial Evenstar
Summary: Takes place after the Third Task, in Sirius's POV. Expects lots of angst!


A/N- Yay! My first Harry Potter fic… :-) I've always wanted to write one of these, but I'm afraid that I'll like disgrace the books with my bad writing or something. Hopefully not!

Um, this is Sirius and Harry angst. NOT SLASH!! I totally won't read or write slash, especially with these two. This story takes place after the third task. It's from Sirius's POV.

You know how if you write a story that you really like, but don't want to let anyone read it, incase they make fun of it or something? Yeah, this story was like that. So, please review and make my day!! (Oh, and not in the Arnold Schwarzenegger kind of way. The I'm-so-happy-someone-reviewed-my-story way.)

Enough of my babbling. Enjoy the story!

Disclaimer: Yeah, right. I own Harry Potter. I also have a bridge in Brooklyn for sale…

I'm Sorry 

          I'm afraid to leave him.

          I know he'll be fine, physically. He always is. Poppy will make sure of that.

          But how's he going to handle this? He's just a kid. He might have beaten Voldemort several times over, but he's still just a kid. Not even an adult could handle seeing his classmate murdered, and has to fight for his own life.

          The funny thing is no one will know what he's going through. He never lets anyone in. He has to put on a courageous front for everyone else. He doesn't want anyone to get hurt because of him, and even if he doesn't know it, he doesn't want to get hurt himself.

          But he doesn't understand that there are people who care about him so much that it doesn't matter. I am one of them. Ron and Hermione are too. They are the best things that have ever happened to Harry. They know when to leave him alone, when to not. He trusts them. Even I, the overprotective godfather, trust him with them. They understand him well, but even they can't really see inside him. He won't let them. He won't let anyone.

          Except me. I know what he's feeling. Of course, not really, but I can see the pain he's going through. It's in his eyes. They're exactly like Lily's. Lily never could really hide her feelings from those who knew her well. Not that she wanted to. I don't understand where Harry got that habit. James and Lily were always so open with what they were feeling. If something were wrong, they would tell you. Now, with Harry, you really have to pry.

          And pry I would do forever if he'd let me. I have to make him understand that he needs to open up. We _want_ him to open up. It wouldn't be a burden.

          I'm afraid it's my fault. I should have known Pettigrew was the traitor. I should have known…

          James, I'm so sorry. I know it's my fault. It's my entire fault. I should have known it was Pettigrew, not Moony, I shouldn't have gone after Wormtail, I should have been with Harry, I should have… 

          It's my fault for not being there. I should have been there! I regret every minute of the day for going after Pettigrew. I should have gone for Harry.

          He's the most important thing in my life. He was what kept me sane in Azkaban. I want to find a Time Turner and go back to that one fateful Halloween. But I know I can't. Who knows what would happen? Much as I want Harry to be happy again, and with James and Lily, I couldn't do it. The wizard world would be put in peril again. I should have known the first time, before all this happened.

          All these should haves. I know I can't change the past, but that doesn't keep me from wanting to. If Harry knew what I was feeling, he'd blame himself even worse than he is now. He thinks he's the cause of everyone's problems. He doesn't know we love him…

          I have to leave him now. Please, can't I just stay a little longer?

          But I already know I can't. Harry wouldn't want me to. He wouldn't want me to waste any time to save lives.

          I can see it in his eyes though. He wants me to stay, but he hates himself for it. His eyes tell me that he thinks he's the most selfish person alive for trying to keep me. His eyes never could hide anything.

          His eyes. Lily's eyes. I was the first one to hold him in the hospital. His eyes were that same startlingly green that they are now. He was so tiny, but his eyes were so big. I can still see them, looking up at me with so much love that only an infant can have. Even then, he trusted me. He trusted me to make everything better. Then, it was only a dirty diaper. Now, it's his pain that he won't let anyone see.

          I want to make it better. I want to stay with him, talk to him, make him understand it's not his fault that Cedric boy died.

          Because I know he's going to blame himself. Nothing I or anyone else will tell him is going to make any difference.

          I want to stay with him now. My heart is breaking. I grasp his hand, and turn away quickly so he won't see my pain. I transform, so my dog mind won't feel the sharpness of emotion that my human mind would.

          It's only a matter of time though. I'll have to face it. I'm always causing him pain, always leaving. I don't deserve the love I see in his eyes when he looks at me.

          I'm sorry Harry.

          I'm sorry.

A/N- Nothing like a blast of angst to change your day, right? Drat, it was so short. It was hard, too! I totally have a lot of respect for those authors who can spit out those fifty chapter masterpieces. This _was_ my first time, though. Please review and tell me what you think!  


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